(Extremely) Unauthorized Relationship Advice Inspired by Crime Fiction: Part 3

  • Post by Director of Suspense Molly Odintz

We conclude our countdown to the holiday of love with fake relationship advice from three more characters. Jessica Knoll’s TifAni FaNelli gives advice on marrying a blueblood, Kerry Greenwood’s Phryne Fisher encourages us to take as many lovers as we’d like, and Paula Hawkins’ protagonist from The Girl on the Train schools us on fact-checking and female solidarity. We hope you’ve enjoyed our series – send us your relationship questions (and which character you’d like to give you advice) to keep the series going! 

luckiest girl aliveDear TifAni FaNelli,

My dream man just proposed, and I said yes! The only problem? He proposed to the version of me that has wooed him, not the real me. How to I get him to accept my complex, inner self while still benefiting from the money and prestige I’ll get from this union?

  • Nouveau Riche in New York

Dear Nouveau Riche in New York,

You do know your fiance is with you for that sweet, sweet arm candy, right, and not for whatever depth you’ve gained from a complex past? I’m going to go ahead and say ditch that boy and let him find a woman more interested in submerging her soul for the sake of appearance. If you are still on the fence, go on a retreat for a while, and ask yourself exactly what you are willing to cover up about yourself to secure your place in the elite. Also ask yourself how important it is to you to reinvent yourself through this marriage. And ask him if he wants a prenup.

You can find Jessica Knoll’s Luckiest Girl Alive on our shelves and via bookpeople.com.

  • TifAni FaNelli

cocaine bluesDear Phryne Fisher,

I currently have three lovers, one of whom I worry plans to dispose of the others. I don’t want to give any up, as they are all such pleasing and talented young men, but I don’t want to jeopardize their safety either. Must I give up my jealous lover?

  • In Demand in Indiana

Dear In Demand in Indiana,

You should keep as many lovers as you like, dearie – however, a jealous lover can become a dangerous one! Or, at least, an inconvenient one. Just pawn him off on one of your better-looking friends and get yourself four more! No need to limit oneself with the plethora of available men out there. Get yourself one from every country! A new one every week!

  • Phryne Fisher

You can find Kerry Greenwood’s Phryne Fisher novels on our shelves and via bookpeople.com

9781594634024Dear Rachel,

I know I shouldn’t be calling my ex, or his new wife, late at night (especially after a few drinks), but I keep doing it anyway! In fact, half the time I don’t even remember calling, or what I could possibly want to say, but according to my ex, I spew hateful statements at his wife until she succeeds in hanging up. That doesn’t really make any sense to me – he’s the one I despise. He cheated on me with her, and now he’s cheating on her with half the neighborhood. If anything, I feel sympathy for her. What can I do to move on from this unhealthy fixation?

  • Obsessed in Oxford

Dear Obsessed in Oxford,

Do you trust your ex? Have you spoken with his wife? Before you just believe whatever he tells you, have a sit-down with the new missus and compare details. Maybe he’s telling the truth, or maybe he’s lying to both of you. Instead of competing over his affections, maybe you and the wife can both find ways to define yourselves, and your lives, outside of his purview. And if you really want to get back at him, start a communal feminist society with every woman he’s slept with and just have him round for a toff now and then. When women compete over a man, only the man wins. At the very least, check your facts before you check yourself! Hope that helps.

  • Rachel

You can find Paula Hawkins’ The Girl on the Train on our shelves and via bookpeople.com.

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