(Extremely) Unauthorized Relationship Advice Inspired by Crime Fiction: Part 2

  • Post by Director of Suspense Molly Odintz

We hope you enjoyed the first installment of our parody advice column from crime fiction characters – on to the more contemporary (and just as unauthorized) columns! Below, let Gillian Flynn’s Amazing Amy help you keep your boyfriend around, allow Laurie R. King’s Mary Russell to assure your niece of a successful marriage, and consider a cure for an annoying ex proposed by Ruth Ware’s Lo Blacklock. 

gone girlDear Amazing Amy,

I feel like my boyfriend only spends time with me when he’s expecting to get some action. How do I get him to understand that to show me love, he needs to spend more time just cuddling?

  • Lonely in Laramie

Dear Lonely in Laramie,

If your partner doesn’t please you, there are plenty of ways to manipulate him into doing so. In my own marriage, I was forced to resort to drastic measures to put my cheating husband back in line, and get the man I wanted, in bed or out of it. My advice? Fake it. Fake the love, fake the pleasure, fake happiness, and fake your future together till it becomes real – to him and everyone around you. Meanwhile, lie to your friends and family about his behavior, and plant evidence to challenge his credibility. Then tell him what you really want – between the version of him you’ve created for your neighbors, and the iron core he only just now is beginning to notice in his choice of mate, he’ll crack and do whatever you want him to. Even cuddle. And if he doesn’t, fake your death and blame it on him. It worked for me!

  • Amazing Amy

You can find Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl on our shelves and via bookpeople.com

beekeepers apprenticeDear Mary Russell,

My niece intends to marry a man substantially her elder, yet in possession of fine faculties and what I believe to be an even finer estate. She has little family, and I fear he has too much sway over her for her to make this decision. In addition, I had come to expect a substantial portion of her inheritance, and I now worry about (to put it indelicately) sharing with her issue. How shall I tell her, gently, to keep an eye out for a more suitable match, while securing my own future in the meantime?

  • Concerned in Cardiff

Dear Concerned in Cardiff,

My own marriage, despite the significant gap between my husband’s age and mine, has been entirely successful, so far. However, my generation’s hardship was the loss of our young men, and in my day, it was more important to marry someone of one’s class than of one’s generation. As long as your niece and her husband do not decide to have children (they can be such a burden), and as long as her husband is as smart and handsome as Sherlock was when I met him, then both your niece and your fortune should remain intact. Also, if either your niece or her intended dies unexpectedly, do give us a call. If your niece passes suspiciously and you don’t give us a call, we may look into matters ourselves.

  • Mary Russell

You can find Laurie R. King’s Mary Russell Series on our shelves and via bookpeople.com

9781501132933Dear Lo Blacklock,

I’ve just had a terrible fight with my boyfriend, and now I’m stuck with an ex-lover on a cruise for the next week! How do I fight the temptation to fall back into the arms of my former mate, or fight the temptation to throw him overboard for cheating on me?

  • Stuck at Sea

Dear Stuck at Sea,

As a recent survivor of just that dilemma, I have to say I sympathize, and hope for your relationship’s sake that you spend the entire cruise attempting to find a woman who lent you some mascara rather than moping around about a fight with a partner. It certainly wouldn’t help the strength of your relationship were you to hook up with your ex-lover – however, if you do choose to push him overboard, that might actually improve the level of trust between you and your current partner. People do, after all, go missing from cruise ships more frequently than many suspect.

  • Lo Blacklock

You can find Ruth Ware’s The Woman in Cabin 10 on our shelves and via bookpeople.com

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